Until a few years back, i often wondered how it is possible for grown ups not to get along with their parents. I thought it would never happened to me.

Last weekend, i just had one of those bad phone conversation with my mum. She was angry at my brother (their issues are a long standing one, it's hard to even begin to explain) but i became the scapegoat sort of. Actually, i pun tak tau nak explain macamana. It's doing my head in: my mum thinks that i dah jadi sombong, tak nak berbaik dgn own sibling (mesti kes dgn my sister hari tu), tak nak beramah mesra dgn anak sedara sendiri (i seriously just don't know how to when it's outside work. Funny right? Does anyone take their work/ clients home? No? My point exactly. Anyway, my nieces and nephews are not exactly underprivileged), i should concentrate on the religous side when bringing up little D, not just provide kemewahan (what? me mewah? I'm holding the mum's cheapskate award here, ok?) and what is this pakai tudung tapi kengkadang pakai scarf (my alasan saying it's panas didn't work..anyway, alki aku pun tak kisah!). Basically she thinks that i'm making a mockery out of islam. Aiyo! I am not disputing that islam wants us to tutup aurat, or that hiburan kat tv is haram..i just tak boleh nak follow betul2. Does that make me a bad human being? I am angry that she can't see beyond the tak pakai tudung thingy.

I have to explain that my mum was english educated, she was a teacher. But when she retired about 10 years ago, she began to go for 'mengaji' classes. In the last 4-5 years, this is what she has become, sort of a religous fanatic. That's why i don't enjoy talking to her anymore, although dutifully i would still try to call every 7 days. She complained why my bro and i tak suka balik kampung. Can't she see why? When my cousin tried to intervene and told her to lay off our backs, she said she couldn't care less because 'dia menegakkan kebenaran'..therefore, i don't think she should complain about our absence right? That's the price to pay. Lepas tu memang dia tak suka dtg rumah i, asyik2 pergi rumah my sis. Complain kata rumah i jauh la, ada maid jadi my dad tak selesa because my maid tak bertudung (so lame! WTF!) and now ni rumah i ada simpan some bone china souvenirs yg dia kata ada tulang babi so it's haram. I am not sue about this but i tak buang lagi because sayang, dulu i beli kat UK pun mahal. I told her that macamana i nak suka balik kampung kalau dia pun tak suka nak dtg rumah i (i tak la cakap pulak yg i tak tahan asyik kena lecture je).
She said tak patut i kata dia berat sebelah asyik menjenguk cucu yg sana je. I kata yg i didn't say that, it was my cousins yg cakap. She said jangan dengar cakap my cousins yg mencucuk i. I kata apasal pulak diaorg nak mencucuk, takde pekdahnya kat diaorg. Lagipun my parents suka sangat mengadu domba kat my two cousins tu apa ke tujuannya? Utk disampaikan pada my bro and i kan??? Pas tu tuduh diaorg batu api and pembuat fitnah pulak.

Pas tu bising2 why my bro nak pergi merisik pun tak jemput diaorg. My bro kata tak payahla, hantar my cousins je. Bukannya nak bawak segerombolan org pi merisik. When my bro called them to tell this, there was no objection. Lepas tu pergi cakap2 belakang katakan my bro malu diaorg org kampung (kampung ke? Rumah my parents kat taman perumahan ok, double storey link. Kampung tah hapa benda!). My bro risau nak bawak girlfriend dia jumpa my parents bec gf dia tak pakai tudung. But K the gf is the best person my bro jumpa compared to his previous gfs. Last time my bro keluar with one eurasian girl, bertahun2, and that was the beginning of the rift between him and our parents. I told my mum, i cakap, can you not see beyond the tudung? K is a nice woman, jgn la kisah pasal dia tak pakai tudung. Bersyukurlah that my bro tak masuk kristian ke dulu...Lepas tu teruk aku kena lecture..&*%$^%$!

Pas tu bila i cakap about my cousin yg cuba nak tolong selesaikan benda ni, my mum cakap pulak, itula, my cousin tu suka menyampai2 cerita (WTF sekali lagi) sebab tu la tuhan turunkan bala yg sorang anak dia dulu buat hal (ok, anak dia dulu buat hal tak nak pi sekolah semua tapi budak tu sekarang dah OK dah). Ok anak mak i dua org ni yg kononnya sekarang buat hal tak nak balik rumah semua ni, mak tak terfikir ke bala ni tuhan turun sebab apa?

I feel like i'm the worst muslim person ever, i berdosa besar dgn my parents. Memang i dah kurang sabar, i try to be nice, try to rapat kan jurang antara i dgn diaorg. Sebab tu i ajak diaorg ikut i ke Pangkor dulu. Is that why di katanya i besarkan anak dgn kemewahan? The fact that anak i kecik2 dah boleh duduk 5 star hotel and my sis yg selalu pi holiday ngan diaorg pun tak pernah dapat duduk hotel secanggih tu? Memang bunyi macam i menghina je ni kan, but mungkin ini salah satu sebabnya (memang lepas ni i takkan ajak ke mana2 lagi because siksa: nak order room service katanya jangan bazir duit, kesian MrGig kelaparan kena tunggu sampai dinner then baru kitaorg keluar. And bila i'm on holiday, memang i pakai scarf je, senang tak panas..kena lagi aku nampaknya). I selalu fikir yg my mum is always wishing that my sister yg sepatutnya kerja macam i..dia kesiankan cucu2nya yg 4 org tu. Masa i takde anak dulu memang kalau boleh agaknya dia nak i salurkan monthly dana utk bebudak tu.

Whatever it is, i won't be in a jovial mood for sometime. I'm 35, my parents still won't listen or take me seriously. Lepas tu asyik nak criticise and expect me to ikut je apa diaorg cakap. It's doing my head in - one of these days i may need to go see a counselor. You know why? Although i get my highs (check previous entry), thinking that i've done some good, dapat la juga pahala, tapi does it matter? I am a bad daughter.