Bengap??

Yesterday i got back last semester's report from my SV. He wrote down that i should be committed with what i'm doing now. I baca surat tu and gelak je (dlm hati i cakap ceh! yg ko tu tak committed dgn rumahtangga ko tak sedar! Obviously i know something he doesn't think me/his wife know). This morning i was called by my big boss..hmm..i dah agak apa yg dia nak discusskan..mesti about my prestasi.

He asked me, have i any problem. I said no...perhaps if the big boss has any suggestions how much more committed i can be. Dia tanya, you ada tengok ke markah you? I said, huh? ada markah? then he showed me. Masa tu bulu roma i dah tegak dah...semuanya mediocre, tak mediocre, average! My proficiency in English and BM pun dapat average! Sia2 i bersekolah konben, belajar negara benggali putih and berkawan dgn Esah. Pas tu kehadiran pun average. kehadiran??? What kehadiran? mengadap muka dia ke? But SV i daro 365 hari, agaknya 265 hari dia kat obersea, the rest buat admin work..so dia nak i mengadap dia more than once a month ke? Perhaps i should ask him, mana le tau that way boleh dapat markah lebih ke. So i cite semua kat boss i..dgn antara kesat snort and suara tersekat2.

I said, if my SV were to say i ni lembab or slow or autistic sekali pun i boleh terima. Ini kata i tak committed! I cakap almost everyday i masuk office, sampai kat office lebih awal dpd org yg kena punchcard padahal i tengah cuti belajar(disokong oleh big boss i yg cakap dia selalu nampak keta i on the highway, siap potong keta dia lagi. This is one of the plus points if rumah setempat ngan big boss..masa2 begini dia boleh gauge tahap kerajinan kita). Pas tu i cakap SV i tak bagi i gaji statistician, i pi belajar seniri, OK?! Sampaikan i enrolled in 1 week course and last sunday i went to another one. I cakap sejak 10bulan i jadi student balik memang la i took 6.5 months to produce my proposal but i like to view it positively that everyday is a learning process..i dah pandai sikit buat stats (sampaikan i pulak jadi cikgi kengkawan i..tapi RAD, i still nak kawan you tolong i if she/he is willing to tutor me)...Lagipun, kengkawan yg embark the same journey about the same time as me, semuanya lebih kurang i..the uni provided us with this Gannt chart (schedule) yg kitaorg ikut..bila nak siap proposal, bila nak start data collection, bila nak analyse data etc. Rope2nya i silap!! gannt chart SV i 3-4 bulan lebih advance.

I also told my big boss, it's unfair for my SV to judge me sampai camtu sekali because he doesn't know me well enough (i was thinking of my markah english when i said that). I said, boss, you know how i am..i sentiasa menurut perintah..when the SV cakap no outside statistician, i tak ambik (walaupun sekarang selepas dipengaruhi oleh kengkawan i akan buat underground cari statistician). Terketaq2 i pi baca buku stats yg bosan gila tu. Dia tak bagi i tengok clients dah, i limit my session to once a week je. Dia tak bagi i terima jemputan bagi lectures ($$$) i declined the offers. Then my BB tanya, you cakap tak dengan dia like the way you're speaking to me now..i said no...he intimidates me (in other words, he scares the pants off me). BTW, he scares the pants of his staffs and other students as well, not just me.

So once again i told the boss, kalau ada suggestion utk menunjukkan committment yg lebih bagus, pls tell me..kalau nak i bawak tikar bantal dok kat lab pun i sanggup kalau itu baru nak dikatakan committment yg amat sangat. He asked me what i'm going to do about this. I said, nothing. I akan jilat segala ludah asalkan at the end of 3 years i will get what i want. Perhaps i akan tunjuk muka i dgn lebih giat lagi kat SV i and we hope he'd be kinder in his assessment of me.

Suffice it to say la, i was really upset just now and sampai sekarang macam terngiang suara SV i yg tak lunak. One of my friends said that at this level yg dah lebih dari 10 tahun bekerja, salary yg dah naik 5 figure, kalau dia memang tak sanggup stoop to this level yg kena kowtow sana sini, kena assess, kena tempik..well, ni la nak sangat challenges in life, kan? Should have just trained for marathon, panjat gunung ke, belajar buat roti ke...dapat skill baru, badan fit and hati pun senang..