Masa saya student dulu...

I promised Lonely Student that i would talk about my life as a student overseas. Did i ever feel lonely? Yes, all the time infact..

I was in the UK from A-Levels till Masters, and oh yeah after my undergrad, i worked for a year. Which period did i feel lonely the most ? Masters kut. Why? Because i went back to mend a broken heart and at that age, people who came to do postgrad were with their families and i just felt too matured to hang out with the undergrads...not that i knew many aside from my flatmates (itupun dok ngan undergrad sekejap je, ada la 6 bulan je kut).

When i was doing my a-levels, i had two other msians who were in the same programme as me. We had nothing in common but i guess we were desperate for company hence we normally hang out, the three of us. The girl was also my housemate back at the boarding house. We came on scholarship therefore we studied all the time to ensure that we got a place at 'good' universities. Tak berani nak main2 because nanti kang kena balik kampung with nothing....the thought itself was unbearable.

I wrote many letters back then..to my parents, my bestfriend in msia and also to Ustazah Munah who was at another public school. Every week mesti ada dapat reply from one of them and i guess that kept me going. There was no internet back then and phonecalls back to msia were probably once a month je kut. They were expensive back then. I didn't have any boyfriend or any guy that i was interested in...kalau ada tak lah lonely sangat kut...but saying that kalau ada mungkin belajar tak lepas kut. The place where i went to school was damn kampung. Pukul 6 petang dah tak bunyi apa2 kenderaan kat jalan. When i applied for places at universities, i made sure all were in big cities..tak sanggup dah belajar kat tempat ulu.

I did my undergrad up north of England. Kat tempat yg memang banyak msian. I was less lonely, i had friends both msians and non msians. But still, there was no other msian in my course the whole 5 years i was there. I studied very hard..almost every night mesti balik lambat dari lib. I went out with my classmates clubbing and pubbing but really it was not my cup of tea...but sometimes memang kena buat camtu because one needs to survive in class and not be excluded and thought weird kan? I used to envy my friends yg buat accounting...dah lah ramai msians yg buat sama course, kalau tak datang class boleh la harap kat depa utk pinjam notes ke kan? But i was luck that i had some really nice group mates but kenkadang tu tal sama jugak cam orang kita kan..when i got upset in class because lecturer marah ke, i still went to the toilet to cry, takde pulak le shoulder sesapa. Another thing, i tried quite hard also not to fall into the comfort zone of just mixing with the msians. In my first year, i went to become a volunteer at a sheltered housing for old folks. Seminggu sekali pi jumpa org tua ni and buatkan dia teh and let her talk and talk. selalunya she would fall asleep after 30 mins and i'd stay for another hour baca magazines dia. Then i'd wake her up when it was time to leave. I think it made her day whenever i was there.

In my 2nd year, things got more hectic at uni....memang selalu i balik malam from the lib. Masa tu jugak all this chatting thru IRC was the craze. That occupied my time also! Oh terlupa lak masa tu i dah start berpacaran dgn Siamang but takde le 24jam mengadap muka dia. To tell you the truth..i felt cam outsider sebenarnya...with the msians because i didn't get to see that much due to my workload and with my classmates because i was too quiet. Tapi i tak layan sangat perasaan tu...bila free i suka baca buku, tulis surat and tengok video.

The loneliness was always there...cuma tak boleh dilayan sangat because it was neverending but the best thing was, it couldn't get any worse. But during postgrad was worse....i had no one to humour me..not even anyone to write to except my parents. The friends i have back home pun semua dah kahwin and tak kosser diaorg nak jadi penpal i pulak kan? At one point i was writing emails to MG but he was such a hopeless penfriend that lebih baik takde (kalaulah kau dah ada kat London masa tu esah..harus aku jadi pemastautin tetap di sana). For a while i memang rasa cam nak terjun masuk sungai but i know it won't solve anything. My lifestyle was so unhealthy. Pergi uni balik uni, balik bilik yg sekangkang kera tu i akan baring atas katil tengok tv...makan atas katil, buat kerja atas katil..kenkadang if my flatmates were around i akan join sembang2 dgn diaorg kat kitchen. Kenapa la masa tu takde blog kan? i bet i dah boleh karang buku bervolume2. Then in my 2nd year i decided enough is enough...daripada dok bertapa dlm bilik baik i pi masuk gym. And my BFF masa tu pun sambung study in London. So we talked on the phone almost all the time. I also made it known to my married msian friends that i was available for babysitting duties...so a few times jugak i jadi bidan terjun. I did all that to occupy my time.

So lonely student, i can understand how lonely one can be studying overseas. But don't dwell on it too much. Channel your energy into something positive i.e. take up a hobby, do some volunteer work, do some sports etc. I know most of us lack the confidence to mix around with the mat salehs but seriously, it's not that bad once they get used to you. I menyesal that when i was there i didn't take up the opportunity to do a lot of other stuffs like ballroom dancing, horse riding, wall climbing, hiking...i spent too much burying myself in books. Bukannya tak boleh buat sekarang ni but lagi la susah because gerabak dah ada and stamina pun dah tak banyak. A good place to start is to check out any International students' body..they always have some kind of activities planned throughout the year. What i did do was to take up swimming there...kalau idak memang the only thing i brought back to Msia was my degree.

So cheer up, you are not the only one.