Oh courage where art thou

A senior colleague of mine who's also my co-SV mentioned to me that the big SV sort of spoke about me to her. The fact that he hasn't seen me in the lab and was beginning to get worried about me. I really don't understand...thing is, he's rarely around in the country. When he was away for 3 weeks and just came back last week, i was at the lab, shadowing another student. Furthermore, my study consists only 1/4 part lab, and the rest client management with sample size of nearly 300. of course the latter requires my attention at the moment as opposed to the lab, kan? Anyway, kalau tak pi collect sample, nak experiment kan apa kat lab?

So i made an appointment to see him next week. I have been giving this problem some serious thoughts. I am stressed out enough with the machines which i need to use keep breaking down, getting the number tec. without my SV adding to my stress level. I hate having this feeling all the time that he's somehwere thinking that i'm not doing my work padahal kita tunggang terbalik takde benda lain kita buat atau pikir.

i have always been a good student in school, during my a-levels, undergrad and masters. i'm not a rebel, i selalu menurut perintah..i may be slow at some aspects but i make it up by being extra conscientious. I am far from intelligent but i am hardworking....so to suddenly have this person having such low opinion of me really upsets me...the longer this goes on, who knows, i may have doubts about myself someday that yeah, i'm just not good enough or that i don't have what it takes to get a phd.

I am timid,i don't talk back and most of the times i swallow je anything bad that comes my way. I'm not quite sure what type of person my SV is. Whether he respects a person that stands up for herself or his temper may get worse if a person dares to stand up to him. Whatever it is, enough is enough. I can't be going on like this for the next 2-3 years. I didn't expect getting a phd is easy peasy but neither did i expect that my biggest contention would be my SV. He is supposed to be my mentor, someone that should be inspiring me to do my best and not intimidate me into submission.

I pray to god that our meeting would go smoothly and if it doesn't, that i have the courage to say what's on my mind and deal with the consequences later. My importance in the whole institution is only as big as a plankton whereas he is well respected and feared at the same time. I feel like David taking on Goliath...so please help me God.