I need blood

Kesinambungan dari tajuk di atas, errrr..not me exactly..

I feel like The Grinch who hated Christmas...i don't hate raya but i'm not ecstatic about it either. I kind of like ramadhan and puasa where you don't eat during the day hence you don't over indulge, don't need to eat hence no socialising, therefore you get more work done during the day and also i don't need to let off my 'research assistant' at lunch time. Or does raya matter very little to me because i was so used to not celebrating one when i was at uni? Sentiasa ada classess or had clinics so couldn't ponteng. Or is it because the love of my life (then) dumped me on first day of ramadhan many many years ago and i spent raya cooped up in my bedroom, my dad got angry at me and said i was anti-social..which made me take the bus back to KL on 2nd day of raya. Came back to an empty house..all housemates were still at their respective kampungs. Dramatic sungguh.


I have been invited as a guest speaker to some event after raya. Knew bout this since July. Told myself to not leave it till the last minute to prepare the slides. Whaddya know? Yet to submit the abstract for their programme book. Since i started to collect samples at the new place, i've been terribly busy...keluar masuk keluar masuk that place and workplace B saja. Yesterday sempat menjenguk my newly renovated office. The place is blardy cold. Sejuknya macam tunggu bas kat UK in winter with the wind chill effect some more. I had my pashmina, kaki dah bersila kat kerusi, even opened the windows, still my fingers were frozen. I got the maintenance guy and asked him to increase the temp slightly (of the central aircond system). He said no can do. Aik? Takkan takde thermostat? I said, so, shut it down. No can do also because meaning the whole floor will be without aircond. So i said, in that case, here's some plastic (balut buku), i want you to tape it over the aircond outlet (lubang whatever) in my room. But Cik Kiah, he said, this will make the other rooms bertambah sejuk as more air will be going into theirs. I said, saya dah tak peduli pasal org lain. Saya ni dah kesejukan sampai ke tulang sum2 (i actually wanted to say sejuk sampai dah terkencing dlm sepentot). Plus i sentap because my settee got lost in the renovation process Esah...! Cemana lah i nak beradu ni..


I send my kain to be made into baju kurung in April. 3 pasang semuanya, 2 siap in June, one day before a wedding they were intended for. I had to wait pekerjanya habiskan jahit kelim lagi. I went back to the tailor on Monday for the third pair, and the tokey asked me whether i plan to wear it for raya. I mean 4 months!! I just looked at her and smile (smile? dammit!). She said they will try to finish sewing the baju by Thurs...cam tak percaya je. Kan i have 'pushover' written all over my forehead....there was this staff yg sent email merata mempromosikan kek lapis swak. I ordered like a dozen or something. Ingat nak distribute here and there, to those people who assisted me in my study. Got half of it last week. So i thought tak pe la, mine and MIL's share boleh kemudian. Tengok2 orang tu tak dapat stock lagi la pulak....and still i senyum bila org tu bagi i duit balik. What is wrong with me??? I am upset but at the same time i don't want the other person to be upset if i get upset with her. Logic ke?


Ramadhan ini menginsafkan i (cewah, bunyi bagus je) or rather this phd thing yg menginsafkan i. Previously when i was collecting samples at workplace B, i sat in a room and the subjects came to me one by one. But at this new place since space is limited, i had to park myself at one corner and i get to see all. Ada teenagers, ada primary school kids, preschoolers and even toddlers and babies. Ramai yg takde rambut (chemo) dan ramai jugak yg berjalan2 or lepak atas sofa with a tube and bag darah attached to the back of their hands. Yesterday, as i was recording something into my notebook, a mum came and placed her 6 month old chubby baby girl on the sofa next to me. She was fast asleep, terkangkang and tangan dua2 ke atas (cam buat jumping jack). The only difference to many babies i've come across before, even to my two at home when they were that age was the fact that she had the tube and bag darah attached to her arm. I was choked...rasa macam nak keluar lari dari tempat tu. The baby and her 4 year old sister had the same disease, dua2 kena masuk darah. I spoke to the mum before, datang naik taxi dari PantaiDalam...tak nampak macam orang senang...Mestilah 50 ringgit is such a big amount to them and there i was thinking bila balik nanti nak singgah beli dessert kat Delicious.


A few days back, there was this family from BukitBeruntung..2 of their kids have the disease. Their 7 year old sebesar budak 4 tahun. Hari tu they were in a rush, nak pi pejabat zakat, dapat sumbangan utk hari raya. I terkenang anak2 kat rumah yg nak pakai baju sungguh memilih...kenkadang nak makan pun boleh demand nak pizza le, macd le, nak kek sebesar alam lah (walaupun bukan time bday diaorg) and toys tak nak share (if they have their way). This morning pulak i walked into the bilik rawatan, on the bed was a little boy about 5 who was fast asleep, on chemo. Just half an hour ago he was running about at the waiting area. If he wasnt bald, i couldn't tell that he was ill. And what about this identical 5 year old twins? One on wheelchair, one mak dukung. Dua2 having the same kind of cancer.


So, at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter that my baju raya tak siap, i tak dapat merasa the kek lapis i ordered or that i didn't get to stop by for my desserts. There are other bigger issues out there. My pesanan kemasyarakatan is please uols, pergilah menderma darah. The kids need bags and bags of them. Saya sudah, anda bila lagi? (i tipu! Dulu i nak pi menderma but was rejected kerana pernah dok overseas. Ni sebab case mad cows disease ka? Can someone enlighten me? Or sebab protocol lain ka?).

Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir dan Batin uols. Kalau ada yg tersinggung, i minta maaf walaupun disengajakan, kan ni blog i, hence my freedom of speech.
I lap u Esah!