End of the year 2

 Pada malam yang hening jangan harus menghapdate blog. Entah apa2 yang dikarangkan. Bunyi macam sedih sangat...weng pun ada. True state of my mindlah kut. Dah 10 tahun tinggalkan UK. I didn't even go back for my Master's graduation ceremony because i was busy getting married. I did go back twice in the short span of 1 month in the same year to finish off my professional exams. But i went up to Scotland and straight down to London. Tempat jatuh lagi dikenang. Inikan pula tempat yang membentuk who i am now. Tempat yang mengajar i berdikari. I didn't get to menjenguk the nice teachers, staff and friends i left in Yorkshire. Bila diingat-ingatkan sekarang, rasa membazir betul menghabiskan a big chunk of my life moping around menunggukan bulan jatuh ke riba. I should have travelled far and wide. Pi terjah ruins yang ada di sekeliling, pi ramblings across the hills. Rather than menunggu 'prince charming' muncul to take the trip with me. Sekarang ni gigit jari je lah bila menengok gambar2 kat google and perasan 'eh, i was there!' but i didn't immerse myself in the beauty of the place so the memories are touch n go. So my motto for the new year (new '40' me) is to grab opportunities, happiness etc.while you can. Tak yah tunggu orang lain berubah, tak yah tunggu orang nak notice kita, tak yah tunggu kita selim melim baru nak happy, baru nak buat apa yang kita nak buat...'do not defer till tomorrow to be wise, tomorrow's sun to thee may never rise'..i came across this saying/proverb/whatever when i was in primary school. Masa tu hafal, tak faham pun apa maksudnya.

Anyway, about 14 years ago, i read the Helen Fielding's Bridget Jones Diary. Masa tu masih hangat di pasaran...was really into chick lit those days. Kalau sekarang ni masih membaca chick lits i rasa cam satu illusi pulak. I ingat masa tu i had finished my housemanship, tengah nak sit for part 1 professional exam. My colleagues sibuk revise i pulak sukasuki baca novel.  Actually i was not prepared for it but since dah bayar exam tu kan, dok je lah. I rented a university accommodation for the 2 week period before balik Msia since i had to vacate my room at a flat.

Pictures taken from www.yelp.com


 When i was a student at the university, bila i naik bas, the bus would go on the road opposite this hall of residence. I selalu terdetik kat hati, eh, nampak cozy nya bilik on the ground floor tu. Bila keluar pintu boleh terus ke lawn and lepak2. Kalau kawan datang pun boleh main ketuk2 je tingkap kasi signal. When i had the opportunity to rent a room for that short period of time from the uni (masa tu summer hols, students takde, therefore uni open to the public), I chose that hall. Because it was near to all the halal kebab shops. And what do you know? I got to stay at that room on the right. The one i've always wondered about. Tapi idaklah i bergolek gelantang kat lawn kan...dok dalam bilik bawah duvet, baca chick lit novels one after another. Just one thing about the hall, it was mixed laki pompuan.The shower and toilet cubicles separate but nun jauh at the end of the corridor. So takleh la berkemban ala2 cite Embun tu ye (I know Esah you like to berkemban ala2 PMT).
The picture below shows permandangan masa winter. Snow sungguh jarang. Kalau ada pun ala2 seinci dua yg sungguh tak worth it sejuknya. Actually, the building is dull brown in colour, bentuk pun kotak2 like many others in the UK. Tapi bila pokok berdaun, with dandelions and daisies during summer time, nampaklah cozy. Cerita ni takde 'moral of the story', but i selalu terfikir when we think hard and often about some things in life, apa yg kita hajatkan tu mungkin jadi kenyataan..it has happened to me quite a number of times. Tapi had yang nak berboiprenkan AnuarJen tu belum lah lagi jadi kenyataan....

End of the year 1

I can't sleep. It's that time of the year again. However, I don't get that same feelings I usually have for so many years. Maybe I've finally wise up. I've just been chasing shadows. They're only real up in my head.
But I still reminisce. Was watching Bridget Jones Diary earlier in the evening. It brought me back to where and when it was..me reading the book. It is worthy of another post since some pictures are required and I wouldn't know how to copy and paste while using this BB.
More than 10 years ago while up in Yorkshire doing my masters, me and another p.g who was also a muslim, would be on duty. From xmas eve, and two days after right till new year. The other p.gs were on holiday back in their home countries, celebrating xmas and NY. It would be a quiet time...probably just one or two cases. Most often kids who fell flat on their faces from slipping on ice.
I told Esah once that I'd be seeing her in london in spring 2013. I have always like spring. The time between the crocuses and daffodils. Probably not la next year kut bebeh, ye? Still a lot of unfinished business here. But then, once I have everything settled, there's the trip to New York I've promised to take with ustazah munah. Or before that, what about the one to Istanbul which my bff and I pledged to take once we complete our studies? But probably she'd be relieved to be 'relieved' of her pledge since baru dapat baby and striving to be ibu mithali. And just yesterday I've lured a couple of ladies from my 'mental' support group to the possibility of visiting St Petersburg before end of 2013? And I've also promised the kids, 'once mummy dah habis sekolah, kita pergi HK disneyland ok? And kita pi tengok Shrek kat Spore, nak tak?' And dlm kepala terfikir2, dah alang2 tu baik gi GoldCoast...promises promises. If only I've a stack of gold somewhere to match up to all my travel wants. But UK will be top of my list. Must revisit Yorkshire and then go across the Penines and down to county Somerset & Avon. Retrace my steps, relive those memories and put shadows to rest.
Hmm..ingatkan this year end would be different but same ol same ol.

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Sembang kosong

I have been preoccupied. Banyak sangat kerja tertunggak from the end of the 'cuka getah' course. Results berterabur. Analysis tak habis2 lagi. My 'clouds' have just found their connection to one another. Now rasa cam nak muntah mengadap benda ni day in day out. But next motnh ada exam on 'cuka getah'. Aiyok! Tinggal lagi dua minggu je cuti sekolah. Little D is not so little anymore, she's gonna be in Std. 1. Apa2 pun tak prepare lagi..baju, buku, bag, kasut sekolah??? (sekolah mana satu pun gua tak tahu! Err..ni ada masalah logistic sikit …lain kali cerita). Now i'm in a middle of some workshop. Setiap sorang kena present. The younger ones sort of 'bullied' me into presenting my stuff ahead of anyone else. Ala…Cik Kiah dah siap...Cik Kiahlah pergi dulu…kesian kat kitaorg. Nyampah tau! Haa…pastu padan muka korang ye….petang tu je gua boleh pi naik river cruise…makan ikan bakar…turun lenggang2 lepas bfast today (eh but how come i'm still earlier than most people? You can take the girl out of public school but you can never take the public school out of her….hehe..muntah kayap meluat uols kan??)
My colleagues aka bffs have been great. They are there for me, fullstop. They helped me to connect my clouds, in my studies, personal life, mummydom, cattydom etc. I had some sort of seminar a few weeks ago. Sepelaung je dari rumah. We girlies decided to grab the kids (and maids of course) and let them have the hotel experience. Spending some time with Little D and BabyX have been exceptionally good ever since i started to breathe, eat and sleep my studies. Dok kat rumah pun i have my own 'office' / boundary. I told them whenever mummy is here at mummy's desk, you can't talk to me or kacau me ok? This is my office i cakap. So selalu jugak they talk to my handlah kan. Once i overheard Little D telling Baby X, ni office kakak. Jangan cakap dgn kakak…aiyoyo..Then when it gets too much i pun turun ke kitchen and tengok apa boleh dibake. Then cake mengada2 and decide to tak menjadi. Ngadakan? (i really need to enrol into a baking school. Bilalah nak habis what i'm doing now ni? Hmm..but i'm already thinking of a short certificate or diploma course on autism or anything along that line…)
Speaking of lifetime learning ni kan…..(not talking about PhD..no no no!)…in my opinion, everyone can and should do it. People keep on saying, eiii! Cannot! My brain sudah tua…I've had enough after my first degree (or i have had enough after SPM?). I nak dapatkan first degree i dulu pun siksa ok! Kata orang tu lah. You can learn utk suka2 for e.g. acik2 yang kat luar sana nak belajar bertenet pasal nak kongsi resepi (or mengadu domba)..(tapi laki tak galakkkan pasal takut terjumpa boipren lama). I would say, go for it! Open a new door for yourself…do something new selain dari mengulit anak kucing and laki (worse, nanti kena bela cucu – bukanlah satu pekerjaan yang tidak murni but you know some kids…nanti kang take advantage pula katas kebaikan mak bapak kan?). Then for some people yang digalakkan utk sambung belajar…speaking from my own experiencelah ye..contrary to what Esah like to think, i was not a terribly pandai student. I didn't sail through school…i was quite bengap..it was hard for me to grasp the lessons most of the times. OK la my SRP was all tiang lurus, but then masuk form 4 and then 5, i was miserable when having to do physics. I could barely tolerate chemistry, i hated peta topo, i sucked at Maths..my bm teacher hated my meringkas karangan. I could just about tolerate biology and i was ok at English. Other than that? Eiiii! Tak sanggup gua! But then, when i did my A-Levels, somehow, maths was fun. Add Maths was kacang. I was ace at chemistry…equation inorganic chemistry tu tutup mata pun boleh buat. In biology, i was always at top of the class. Probably the teachers made learning 'fun' – certainly the atmosphere in class was more relaxed. Cikgu bukan set2 jeling2 kat you and bila pissed off dgn laki she'll take it out on you kind of thing. Nak jumpa cikgu anytime boleh..because the classrooms were their office..takda konsep dok reramai dalam staffroom pas tu bila kita nak jumpa cikgu, masuk staffroom macam rasa masuk gladiator arena. Or it could also be that i was older so otak dah matured sikit nak accept and process the lessons.
But then i suffered through my undergrad years. Like i mentioned before, i am not smart…cam setengah orang tu yg orang cakap, 'senang nak tangkap'. Me? No no no..i made it through, through sheer hard work. Subjects yang i suka, i oklah. But then during the first two years, lu terror microbiology or pathology buat apa kan? Bukannya nak dapat BSc or Mbchb ke…Then bila naik tahun 3, 4, 5 pun sama jugak. Subjects yang ada berbau medicine, community, i ok. Subjects yg perlukan kemahiran tangan, oh tidak! Tangan dahlah pengkor…pastu lecturer ada yg garang gila (yg garang gila tu set2 yg rhope cam they have been dragged through the bush backwards..nyampah!). Bila exams, setengah subject score gegila, dapat honours…yg i tak berkenan tu merasalah kena attend pass/fail viva. But thank god, habis jugak dlm masa 5 tahun.
Dah elok-elok 2 tahun makan gaji, mulalah hati ni bagai digaru2. Kept asking myself, is this it? Masuk kerja, balik kerja, day in, day out. Terbayang2 orang lain yg pergi buat Masters. Of course masa tu all thoughts about the 'suffering' masa undergrad dah ingat2 lupa. Surprisingly i enjoyed my masters. It was tough..kena belajar and kerja (jenis yg tak bergaji) at the same time but as an adult student, people treat you with more respect. And i think i am a late bloomer. Stuff yg i belajar masa undergrad tu bila masuk masters i rasa, laaaa, takle susah sangat. I think the 2 years of working experience has also somehow helped…and i keep telling people sapa yang teringin or kena buat masters, go and do it! Choose something you like….takde sapa yg too 'bengap' and cannot pass their masters melainkan oleh sebab2 tertentu like malas pergi class, lecturer/supervisor malas tengok muka you…etc. Especially if you are planning to do one in something that is already in your line of work, you wil not kantoi and you will enjoy it jugak (unless you memang bencik kerja you..dah tu apasai nak buat masters tang tu jugak kan?)
Life is a dynamic process. Mesti ada lifelong learning…tak semestinya along the lines of getting a degree...Mesti ada perubahan kepada sesuatu yang lebih baik. (kalau perubahan cam hari ni nak masak kari, esok masak rendang, hari ni bawak handbag elvavi, esok bawak anak biri2, hujung tahun nak bercuti ke madras, because last year dah pi addisababa…bukan had yg jenis ni ye..). Otak tak boleh dibiarkan stagnant, new neurones must be formed in the brain…
Itu saja ceramah saya untuk hari ini. Semoga berjumpa di lain waktu. Taraaa!

 
P/S Kepada kawan saya ittew, do not underestimate your capability. Jika lulus dgn cemerlang, saya nak handbag malberak satu. 

Lagi 36 hari...Esah and I akan kembali sebaya.

Today marks a milestone in my life. Alhamdulillah, masih dikurniakan akal yang sempurna dan tubuh badan yang sihat - ok la, not counting the sakit pinggang, sinusitis, asthma, the occasional gastric...

Sepatutnya tahun ni punya birthday would mark my freedom from my studies...apakan daya kita cuma merancang (laa....cuba kurangkan jadi Ratu Bongkang. Ni bukan i cakap, ni Esah yang cakap ye. Dia kan kejam, selalu jeruk purut hati i). When you have reached my age (38, 39, who's counting?), you start to be more aware of your health. Masa ni semua dah rasa longgar and not functioning at its full capacity. Last week i went to see Dr. B. Bagitau dia pasal i rasa lutut belah kiri macam dah start mengada2 dah. It's not pain but i know something's not quite right. Seperti biasa, i kan cepat emo..masuk2 surgery dia je terus cakap, 'i'm prematurely aging!! I've got osteoarthritis! Tell me i haven't got osteoarthritis!' Drama kels habis!(well, some people may beg to differ. I was told that i don't show my emotions well enough. Apa? You nak i menangis guling2 macam kaplam mati laki and sampai keluar air mata darah baru you dapat tangkap yang i tengah sedih? Or be all over you macam sotong baru you tau yang i syok kat you? Btw, the bit that i said my akal is still sempurna, please omit yee...ternyata tak berapa center. Akak tengah reminiscing sekejap tadi. Two different situations, two different people, two different era). Anyway, Esah memang tau I minah emo...saja tak tunjuk depan orang je. I consult MSU (Tak....MSU bukan boipren i dan bukan sekali2 bff i. Tak main le bff dgn jantans ok..but he has known me dari i masuk kerja sampai sekarang. Dari i anak dara rambut free hair kaler2, babysat anak dia kat UK dulu and until now. I asked him, don't i show my emotions? Adakah i set2 ikan tuna juga? He said,' no, that's why we do what we do. Kalau kita ni set2 yang cepat gabra, cepat tunjuk emosi, we won't be good in what we do. People are not going to have faith in us'. Trust him to  say all the nice things...(but he's still not my bff because malam2 tak boleh text atau call dia kan? pasal dia laki orang...). Ish digress lagi.

Anyway, after Dr. B has kepak kaki i sana sini, he said it's just muscles pulling awkwardly. Cemana tah, belah kiri badan i ni tak betul sangat. My left arm cepat kebas, now my left knee dah start playing up. It's all about bad posturing kata Dr. B lagi. seperti biasa, Dr B urged me to get back to my exercise routine (eh, pernah ada routine ke?). He said pilates would be good, yoga pun ok..and start now, don't wait till New Year. Aisey man! seperti biasa, i went into mode aku yang menurut perintah. Stress tau nak pi cari yoga / pilates class dekat2 rumah i ni..and i so don't adhere to schedules well. Nanti kang stress memikirkan alasan2 napa tak datang kelas. But for god's sake kan...dah mencapai milestone ni kenalah be my own woman kan?? But still i'm terribly hopeless at saying no...paling gempak pun protest secara senyap je. He told me that i need to go to bed earlier than my usual 12-1am routine. Cut down on my power nap in the afternoon (power nap konon! Kalau minimum 1 jam idaknya!). So i took heed of his advice. Kul 10 dah terlelap (pasal kepenatan takdak 'power nap' tadi)...tudia....kul 3 pagi dah terjaga and terkebil2. And by the time i nak bersiap pi office at 6am, i dah start ngantuk balik. Tiba office, kul 10 dah terbongkang kat sofa. tsk tsk tsk. So Dr. B cakap, oo..you are one of those people that can survive on only 5-6 hours of sleep...so i'm back to my old routine.Ok lah Dr B, akan kugagahkan cari kelas pilates/yoga demi mu..eh..demi lutut and tulang cenonggeng ku.

Two months ago, i started to notice that my right eye cam ada cobweb. And the cobweb dok gerak2. Of courselah kita panik, kan? So, i decided to go see the eye guru herself at PCMC. Well, it's just floaters katanya...age degeneration katanya lagi (don't you just hate the word aging? I've just gotten used to sprouting grey hair and now kena get used to bebenda lain). But i can lasik your eyes. Phwoaarr! 3 years ago i was told tak boleh kan? Apparently, PCMc has better technology which enables yg power2 tinggi but thin cornea macam i pun boleh buat. And that was before Raya Haji. She wanted to schedule the op the next day and i said nooooo! She asked me why?? I said er....because i have some bakings to do. Ada orang tempah..hehe. Bunyi cam hardcore baker je. But true ONE friend did tempah the kek SS and thank god jadi. But the truth was....lepas lasik surgery, the eyes woulld take some time to adjust for night vision. And..my friends and i dah beli ticket nak tengok.... Chicago!..sapalak nak drive i balik memalam tu kan?? So, it was scheduled to a few weeks ago. Now i'm no more four eyes, no more contact lenses. Thank you eye guru (thank you Allah) and thank you PakNajib kerana merealisasikan impian saya (geli! Ni bukan kempen PRU13 ye). Thank you to one of my bffs (i have a few, each with different function - saya ulangi, semua XX) who drove me all the way home even though memula i mintak hantar ke train station je (gila! at least four hours dgn gaya2 steviewonder ada hati nak naik public transport).

There you go!

It's them again

Anak mak cukup tak suka petir. Tu muka stress pasal bunyi berdentam-dentum kat laur. Dah masuk bawah selimut and cuddle pun masih cemas lagi. Konon macho...

Ni 'i is okay'. Hujan ke, petir ke, no sweat yor! Btw, third TuttiFrutti of the week.

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Selingan

I was at SK for a late lunch today (SK and now TF is where I go for some 'me' time). Anyway, got a shock of my life. Sejak bila menunya include total calories per serving? Nearly made me lost my mojo tau! (It must have affected me to some degree because I consumed 2 servings of the 'edamame" kekacang instead of the usual 1 utk cukupkan syarat). I would without fail order 'shishamo' or the pregnant fish. It was introduced to Esah and I by our friend. Over the years, friends and lovers (cewah! Terminoligy classic yg tak mau kalah)...friends and boiprens have introduced me to new food. I love sampling new food. I'm game for anything except small, furry, cute animals like rabbits..so no satay arnab please!
Let's see who introduced me what.
1. My former little boss - sushi
2. Sally - the pregnant fish
3. MSU - Korean cuisine, Dixy's fried spare ribs and some sticky, gelatinous Vietnamese sweet thingy with peanuts, Subway sandwiches and yes, how to check for water and minyak hitam levels in my car engine (eh?). One more, daging masak merah.
4. Siamang..hmm..let's see...I was fresh out of SBP and english boarding school. Tambahan pulak kat rumah my parents banyak benda yg tak masuk because my dad's tummy didn't agree to a lot of food. So I was a novice. He introduced me to - pizza hut (aku budak kg), siput sedut, nasi daun pisang, calzone and chicken chop. Mungkin ada a few others but I can't recall now.
5. Ustazah Munah - the first to introduce me to pizza. I remember we had a vegetarian one at Deep Pan in Cheltenham. I was there one Sunday aft to visit her at her school. It was back in 1992! I was so fascinated with their chili flakes and wished I had it to add some 'kick' to the bland English food back in my school.
6. Budak rumah tepi sungai - kebab. Dia scholar bank hence $$$. Selalu belanja I kebab. Ni kes ku beli chentanya dgn kebab gitu.
7. MG - roti tisu, sup cendawan (the kampung version, not campbell's) and labu lemak. Or rather my MIL did for the latter.
At SK, they have changed their way of cooking shishamo or the pregnant fish. Dulu macam smoked, sekarang ni breaded and deep fried.....sigh...Sally, it's been too long...
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Asyik nak nak je

Hmm...tak merasa I nak buat wordless Wednesday tau! And you wonder why my kids thought you ni polis Esah oi!
Anyway, been hibernating...macam nak merajuk but takde sapa nak pujuk. So kenalah pujuk diri sendiri and snap out of it kan? But honestly, I've to attend a course. Compulsory lagi Dr Lurpak! Rhope2nya aku dan gangnam Phd dua tiga kerat tak cukup credit hours. Got meh? Well, I'm not one to protest, hence..assignments berlambak uols! Tergendala sekejap kerja thesis ku ..(Not really sekejap, nearly 3 weeks jugaklah).
A lot of things have happened since. But at the end of the day, I couldn't cope with having to 'compartmentalise'' my thoughts. Need to prioritise. Not to say one is more important than the other but if I don't pass this course (yg cam hantu pasal ada exam jugak), tak merasa le naik stage ye walaupun thesis excellent gila, viva no sweat etc. Terngiang2 di telinga pesanan co-svku. Sleep thesis, breathe thesis, eat thesis...perform most minimal bodily functions saja like bey bey n shi shi. In my case, sleep, breathe, eat lempoyang, misai kucing, stemcell saja...ie assignment course ittew. One fine day tu I didn't bathe for 26hours kau! Hehehe...don't think anyone in this house notice pun..sib baiklah weather ala2 Inglan. I'm the oldest student in the class...tak mo le nampak lemau sgt otak ni kan..kena la score jugak..My friend's opinion is 'once a nerd always a nerd'.
Anyway, hopefully hapdate ni secukupi utk memuaskan napsu serakah Esah yg di kala ini sedang mengaccompany boipren schizonya balik kampung kat Mombassa sinun. Saya sudahi dgn cerita teladan di bawah ini.
Last weekend I withdrew some money and pi shopping...kat Gardiang je...beli ubat2an utk awet muda (dan menaiikan napsu...kahkah gilo ko?). Anyway, tinginnn sangat nak makan apam balik...(Yes Esah, you like karipap pap..me like apam). Dlm purse tinggal 5 inggit je. Kalau terbang duit tu mau menggelupur atas tanah. Maklumlah, tengah2 bulan ni. Otw to the gerai, jumpa kucing, so bagi dia makan biskut miau dulu. I tengok rhege AB 50sen. Then I told the adik AB, ampam balik 10. I saw the adik main laju je masukkn dalam plastik. Aikkk! Dia ingat 10 inggit ke? Malu la gua kalau silap. Duit cecukup 5 inggit je. So I said, dik, 10 keping tau, bukan ringgit. The adik told me, tau kak, saya bagi extra. Masyallah! Dalam kereta, bergenang airmata I. Is it because I fed the cat thus Allah murahkan pulak rezeki I? If true, Subhanallah! Berbunga2 hati...tersengih cam Abang Nuar pulak yg belanja I (btw Esah, jap lagi aku bagitau cite psl Bang Nuar). Bila sampai rumah, I nampak ada surat utk I. So I bukaklah...masa ni airmata bukan setakat bergenang lagi..jatuh berderai2 uols! Tu dia...terpampang gambar kereta I kat surat tu. So pretty uols sampaikan I ingat kereta I disambar jadi model bulan Nov gittew..rhope2nya kena saman AES...! Terbang budgetku nak pi facial bulan ni. Ces! Apakah dosaku? (Yes I know, no need to think aloud here).
P/S sesungguhnya Bang Nuar buat statement yg wanita idamannya adalah NoraSiDanish Cookie tu. Eleh Bang Nuar, apalagi? Kan adik Danish cookie tu single mingle, esok pun I boleh tolong pinangkan. Unless lah u...oops! (Sempat tutup mulut sendiri..)

Btw, ni Monty tengah cakap, tak puas2 aunty Esah ni tau! Asyik nak nakkk je.
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