Feeling blue

Really can't describe the way i feel now. I came back last night from girls' night out (sapakah mereka???), reached home around 1130, came across MG and little D terbongkang depan tv. The only ones that were still up and happy to see me were the cats. MG didn't ask me where i went last night, like my friend commented this morning, i might be lying in a ditch somewhere full of maggots baru dia nak perasan that i'm not around (masa i tak kahwin dulu, i doa kat tuhan, ya allah, tolonglah jodohkan aku dgn lelaki yg tak suka berfoya keluar dgn pompuan (MG so far), yg tak control freak (MG) dan yang tak manis mulut ngan pompuan (MG) - sekarang lagi mau komplen. I would advise you unmarried people out there bila berdoa tentang jodoh, won't hurt if you be a littleeeeee bit more specific (should have asked god, yg tak control freak tapi nak ambik tau bini gi mana, yg tak manis mulut tapi suka bersembang ngan bini..etc. etc.) I have always jokingly told my friends that when some people have affairs, the thought of being found out will add to the thrill. Hmm, kalau dalam case i, nak thrillkan apa??? He's oblivious even if the 'affair' to take place right under his nose!

Speaking of man-woman relationship and marriage ni, i guess i am a sceptic because my mum was one (still is). She's married to my dad whose brothers kalau tak kawin 4, mesti ada scandal ngan maidlah, colleague lah, what have you. My maternal grandfather was a man with principles...a noble man etc. according to my mum..he's her idol..so it was quite a shock to her to be married into a family yg org jantannya tak leh nak pakai sangat (although my paternal grandfather was allright, pious man he was). My mum has always made her feelings known, to my dad and to her biras...kenapalah ditunggu lagi jantan2 yg lebih teruk dari bapak ayam..at least bapak ayam tu dia tak jaga anak tapi dok berlegar2 gak kat situ..ni tak, nafkah tak bagi (tapi nafkah tu bagi..setiap uncle i setahun mesti ada anak), and most of the times memang takde kat rumah and imagine dulu takde handphone, bila berlaku emergency kat rumah, anak bini tak tau nak contact camna.

When i was younger, i asked my mum, kalau appa kawin lagi, what would you do? She said, she would tukar padlock rumah kepada yg lebih besar lagi and humban semua barang my dad keluar rumah. I asked, don't you wannna fight with the other woman for him? She said, tak hingin!

So, when i had this discussion yesterday, i am surprised that my female friends macam tak pernah terfikir benda2 camni boleh berlaku pada sesapa. Diaorg kata, i je yg fikir benda2 camni (and this came from two of them yg bapak diaorg ada bini lain). I said that if MG were to one day come up to me and said, CK i nak kawin lain. Eh, ada ke jantan yg berani nak buat camni? Katakan la, i dapat tau...i said, tak yah la MG susah2 nak pikir samada i nak terima ke tak, pasal memang i tak boleh accept but i won't stand in his way sebabnya....what if he has found his soulmate? Nothing can stand in the way of true love..Kalau i merayu, memujuk, say for the sake of anak2, he might stay kan? But hatinya dah takde pada i, so for what? I'm a true believer that everyone deserves to be happy...so kalau starting new is the answer so be it. Of course before i bow down, i akan kapak, shred, gunting harta dia kan? Biar puaskan hati yang sakit (sakit kerana ewah ewah, ingat ko sorang je nak berseronok2 dgn partner baru ye?)And i akan tuntut harta sepencarian (take him to the cleaners!) then kita bye2.

My male friend of course kat i gila and the ladies cakap apasal la i berhalusinasi sebegitu? I told the ladies, if you want peace, you have to prepare for war (MG cukup tahu my standing regarding this issue), kita mesti sediakan payung sebelum hujan..

(Self-analysis: i think i hold this view because apa yg berlaku in my family kut and obviously sedikit sebanyak my mum corakkan my pemikiran. Also probably from life experience. When we love someone, it's better off to hold back at least 20% of your heart..selalu ingat what if...kalau tak bila dah jatuh tu susah nak bangun balik. One more thing i think, it's also wise not to emphasise one's weakness kat partner because bila ribut melanda, it may be used against you - nanti kang ada la suara sumbang bercakap, ooo....dia tu tak reti masak...dia tu tak pandai bergaya...dia tu tembam..So ladies, kalau pun you tembam, rejoice..! No hal one! Lagi you cakap, i gemuklah, i tak lawa! Haa..esok, itu la yg dia akan use against you...tsk tsk tsk..