Nak kawan or 'gila talak'?

I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to write this. But I shall do it and I assume that MG doesn’t read my blog anymore. Well, he did say dia takde masa nak buat benda tak berpaedah ni eventhough I have caught him uttering phrases I’ve used in my blog for e.g. swimming trunk out of german porn-movie set etc…
I nak cerita kat sini because I have no one from my past that I can tell this to i.e. my bff ustazah munah and I have been too busy / malu nak mula balik to have girly chats like we used to. But lawyers memang busy lah…ngalahkan menteri lagi.
Anyway….remember that I made a pledge since beginning of this year, I shall erase siamang dari kotak memori i? I have been doing that actually….especially bila mengenangkan benda2 menyakitkan hati I yg pernah dia buat dulu plus the person that he has become now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m way passed the he-dumped-me saga…I Cuma mengenangkan kenapa la dia terhegeh2 sangat nak berkomunikasi dgn I, nak maintain I dlm social circlenya whereas it’s not as if we are sharing the same circle of friends now. Kenapa dia tak sedar2 diri yg ada ketika dulu after we all dah breakup bila I mintak tolong dia, 1001 macam alasan dia bagi i?? I had just started working in KL and he was about the only soul I knew yg ada kereta. I ingat sangat there was one time when I just got back from kampung…the journey that should have only taken about 3-4 hours jadi 6 jam because bus rosak and I arrived back in KL at 9ish at night. From Puduraya I walked all the way to CM to catch a bus to my place. Bus tu tak kunjung tiba, and dah la area kat situ dodgy semacam. I couldn’t even get a cab! So I called him up and asked, boleh tak I take the LRT to your place and then you send me back??? (masa tu takde LRT to the area I was staying). And dia kata sorry, I ngantuk sangat, I nak tido. I knew him as well as I know the back of my hand….apa jadahnya dia nak tido sebelum kul 10 lagi? It was all very dodgy but tak kisahla, we were not together then but sampai hati…..nasib baik after an hour or so trying to flag down a cab, berjaya gak I sampai rumah dgn selamat.
What I can’t understand, walaupun sekarang ni I tak pernah membalas email or his smses, they keep coming. Apa ke halnya? He just got married! About a month ago, he smsed me saying that dia ternampak bayang2 I di masjidil haram. Pas tu ada lak sekali dua dia mimpi i..in his dream it’s like I had lost someone dear. So he texted me and asked, am I OK? Pas tu adala pulak sms dia yg masuk tanya, oooo…you dah buat phd sekarang ye, like you’ve always wanted. Then he asked, you dah tak pakai tudung ye? It took me 10secs to figure out, huh? Sapa lak antara kawan I dedolu yg tau I buat phd? None. Bila lak I bukak tudung??? Then I figured out that he had been googling my name and tertera la nama I as student kat so and so and terpampang la gambar I kat facebook nya profile picture as AustinP0wers hari tu – bukan dah bukak tudung, I pakai wig la! Previously he had inquired whether I’ve attended so and so seminar, commented on so and so hotel accomodation etc. Kerjanya asyik mengoogle je….
It’s kind of flattering/sad/pathetic/worrying all in one that after a decade of breaking up ada lagi issue yg dia rasa tak selesai2. Apalagi yg dia nak? Nak kata nak jadi kawan memang tak boleh – I hate his guts and he thinks I ni perasan that I’m better than everyone else. Dah cakap camtu, tapi masih terhegeh2 nak I tau perkembangan hidup dia. Does he want my approval or just wants to show off?
Dalam masa bercinta memang satu pengalaman yg luarbiasa. Notice how I avoid using the words pengalaman indah? Because it wasn’t all indah. We fought, we made up, we fought, we made up than we fought, fought and fought. Had we both been in msia, dah lama dah the relationship bungkus and pi cari org lain. It was hard to let go but we eventually did because for him, he was not sure I was the one, and for me I couldn’t be with someone who could imagine his life without me (a ah, masa tu idealistic sungguh). It was not easy to ‘undo’ or let go of memories 6 tahun tu. What made it harder was because banyak ranjau ditempuhi….i kat sana, dia sini, I sini dia entah mana, nenek dia tak suka I, his mum thought he could do better (in terms of girlfriend) but when we managed to sort out all those problems, kasih pulak berubah arah.
Even though, right from the very start I knew the relationship was not going to have a happy ending I’m glad I was not the one who called it quits. Had I been the one, mungkin sekarang hidup I pulak yg jadi cam dia….masih tak tentu arah…penuh dengan what ifs and regrets. It’s hukum karma, what you give, you get back…gitu le gamaknya.

p/s MG…..you better cinta sejati kat i…idak kang you pun nanti jadi sewel..